Space, Pace & Place - Part 1
/3 Aces
Sometimes it’s a feeling I don’t recognize until after it’s gone. A pressure from the inside out and the outside in at the same time. Often in the moment, I can’t name the cause. It’s not really a feeling I enjoy, but I know I feel it more than I’d prefer. And lately, I’m learning it’s not a feeling I’m alone in experiencing.
More and more I hear from friends and colleagues that they struggle to settle their minds or catch their breath. Maybe it shows up as being exhausted despite a full night’s sleep. A concern that you’re not connecting with the people you love most, or perhaps even with yourself. It’s the symptoms that drive us toward solutions - many of which can help, but none that seem to name or cure the cause.
After countless hours of self-reflection, meaningful conversations, reading, and coaching, I’ve realized it’s a feeling that comes over me when one or more of my “3 Aces” are out of whack:
Space
Pace
Place
I’ve coached others on this too - high-powered corporate executives, small-business entrepreneurs, working parents, young professionals, and every-day people like you and me. Chances are, we all encounter times in our lives when our 3 Aces need some TLC. Let me explain…
SPACE
Space is the time and freedom we need to just be. That’s right, space to BE our best version of ourselves. To ultimately be comfortable in our own skin, we need Space to:
Think (create, reflect, write, experiment / make mistakes)
Feel (acknowledge emotions, feel heard, feel seen)
Communicate (effectively with family, friends and colleagues)
Nurture (self and others - nutrition, exercising, sleep, meditation, love)
Play (have fun, relax, let loose, be uninhibited)
Get stuff done (both what we want to do and need to do - in our way)
Just be (day-dream, gaze at the stars, be our amazing imperfect self)
Our need for Space varies from day-to-day and throughout our lives. It is dependent on many things, often including how balanced our Pace and Place are too.
PACE
Pace is the speed at which we operate:
In a given moment
Transitioning between moments
Overarching / across moments
If we’re going too fast, too often, it’s easy for our Space to disappear. If we’re moving too slowly too often, our sense of Place can become jeopardized.
PLACE
Place is our position in an organization, at home, in the world:
Relative amongst others important to us (figuratively or literally)
In a physical location or geography
Now vs. before (progress)
Or
An actual spot for what we need (to paint, to take private calls, to call your own)
This all started to crystalize for me last year, when my son surprisingly helped me reset my 3 Aces…
In our house, bedtime for my son (8) and his younger sister (5) is often a challenging and exhausting time for me and my wife. It almost always takes much longer than it should, and oftentimes results in frustration and raised voices. Usually we divide and conquer at bedtime - I am with my son and my wife is with my daughter.
About eight months ago, work had become quite exhausting for me. I’d been finding less Space than usual to relax, exercise and connect with my wife.
At this age, my son could shower, brush his teeth and get dressed for bed without any assistance. However, every night, he’d ask for me to join him in the bathroom for his evening routine. And every time, I’d contest. Given my desire for more Space for myself, I’d opt to try to read a few pages in my book while he got ready for bed. In an almost predictable fashion, a mini argument would ensue about my insisted choice of physical Place for myself. My frustration would often result in pushing him to pick up the Pace with his mundane actions of self-cleansing so we could have more Space to read together. And also so I could actually have some peace and quiet once he was asleep.
But why wasn’t this working?!
For weeks, this back-and-forth perpetuated. One Thursday night, this typical routine and exchange began as usual - my son in the bathroom and me on the bed with my book. Then the dreaded question from him, “Will you sit in the bathroom while I get ready?” As usual, I immediately said “no”. Unexpectedly then, my world got rocked…
My sweet boy looked at me, and with his incredible wisdom and amazing level of self-awareness for his age, simply replied calmly and sincerely, “Daddy, I just want to be WITH you. We barely see each other in the mornings before work and school.”
My heart instantly sank and melted simultaneously. I looked into his eyes and conceded, following him into the bathroom.
How was my little boy able to distill the source of and solution to our problem so well when I, a grown adult, couldn’t even see what was really happening? My push for a faster Pace and my own Space was interfering with his need for more Space and better Place - together with me. This, in turn, was keeping me from actually getting more of my own personal Space, despite my efforts.
Each night that has followed since then, my son asks me if I’ll go with him to get ready for bed. I just smile and say, “Yes”. I now try to focus on enjoying our time together while he brushes his teeth, and almost magically, we’re in his room reading before I know it. And sure enough, he usually falls asleep earlier now too, which lets me get that personal Space for myself.
There is no right or wrong way to go about managing your life. In my experience as a coach and leadership development professional, I’ve had the pleasure of being exposed to more life strategies than I can count. And I’ve learned there is always something that can be adjusted, small improvements that can make your days easier and your years more fulfilling. Sometimes just finding a way to be more self-aware or see ourselves in a new light can make a huge difference. The 3 Aces won’t solve all your problems, but they do provide a simple and important framework to better discuss a simple question we don’t usually answer genuinely enough: How are you?
To be continued…
Thank you for reading.
Special thanks to Maika Leibbrandt
Copyright 2020 Matthew J. Wexler All Rights Reserved
All content and views shared here in this blog belong solely to the author and do not represent the perspective of any organization, employer or company.